He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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