I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
