I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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