I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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