I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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