I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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