the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
