i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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