I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
