I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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