every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
