I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
