New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
