On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
