i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
