She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
