I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
