If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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