what day is it and did you see me today?
i wish my penis had a tongue
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
