Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
