I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize