He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I came so hard my ears popped.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
