Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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