Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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