I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
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Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What a dumb baby whore.
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You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.