i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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