Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
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i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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