Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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