I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
In other news, I just burned my penis
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
