gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
