I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
