There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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