Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.