I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
