I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
