I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
