I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
