the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
