Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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