so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
