Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
