yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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