he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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