When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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