Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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