If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
