I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize