You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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