Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize