Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Vodka?
Forever.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
