shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My ass is underappreciated
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
