Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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