Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
