Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
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Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
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I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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