you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
